I need a shower.
Saturday, October 12, 2002
02:25 p.m.
Ok, firstly, WOOHOO! I started new birth control today! AAAANNNDDDD! I'm listening to the pirate song!
Now to the serious stuff. I'm not sure why I'm starting this, other than I need honesty within myself to understand me. I guess the best place to start is the beginning. I was born in Cookeville. (yes, I meant waaaayyy beginning.) Mom was 19 and a sophomore at Tech when she had me. Dad was 26 and a psychology major wanting to do pre-law. They got in a fight one night and he left her. Since they were both from Sparta, it wasn't far for him to go home. His parents wouldn't let him in the house. He cooled down and went back to Tech Village, but he was really bitter about it. Two months later, she had me. They were both given a lot by their parents to care for me. Basically, money to live, childcare anytime they needed it, a car...you know. Oh, and tuition for school. Forgot that.
So they took care of me, and stuff. He left her again when I was two. He stayed away for a week. To this day, no one knows where he was. But he came back. He always has. Soon, Mom graduated and he dropped out. We moved to Memphis so that she could go to Optometry school. By this time I had turned three. We lived there for 4 years, and they routinely fought. He was always hitting her and throwing shit at her. I was terrified of him. He was really good to me, except for when I couldn't do things on my own. I knew my countries and capitals by the time I was four, and could read and write at 3 or early 4. He always made sure I had food. Albeit, I was allergic to it, or simply hated it, but I was fed. He left mom a couple more times. Each time was just a few days though. I'm not really sure what about her was so hard to live with. Sure sometimes she's emotional. Yeah, sometimes that gets on my nerves, but she's as much T as I am. Thing about it is-women are wired differently. That whole biological clock thing. I don't think it was the best thing she could do to have a kid when she was 19, nor was it fantastic for her to get married her first semester in college after knowing my dad only 6 months. But whatever. Not my decision.
Anyway...to get back on track. After Memphis, we moved to Knoxville for her to have a job there. This was after a brief stint in Knoxville to do an externship and then a move back to Memphis. By this time I was ready to start second grade. I think that put me seven turning eight. At the end of my second grade year, I got a lovely suprise of a new sister. I hated her. She was ugly, and she took all of my attention away. Dad ignored me now, except when she needed something. So I was the cook, and the doer of laundry, and I made her bottles. A frickin' 8 year old! He was in the process of building a house, so he would take her early in the morning with him. I'd get out of school and walk home. It was only about a 2 1/2 mile walk. He would get in about the same time as my mom every night, and I was expected to have dinner ready by the time they got there, as well as have my homework. Those were fun years, let me tell you. Then we moved to the other side of Knoxville in the house he built.
He had more time to spend on us then. But I just pissed him off. I didn't hate my sister anymore. We hung out a lot. Especially since I was her primary caregiver. Mom was still around, but she was working six days a week, and they were long days. He didn't like it that when he yelled at me, I didn't cry. I just stood there and took it. Sometimes I would talk back, and he didn't like that either. His response? Lots of abuse. I always thought it was my fault, so I didn't talk about it. My sis on the otherhand, would always cry, and it made daddy love her, everytime. I was just too proud.
So we kept moving to different houses he built. I started high school at 13, (I was always young for my grade.) I wasn't allowed to do high school things, but that really wasn't that big of a deal. I had turned 14 in my freshman year, and then 15 my sophomore year. By the time I had finished my sophomore year, I had 25 credit hours-3 short of the 28 necessary to graduate. I took all the classes because it gave me something to do. I wanted him to be proud of me for doing something no one else could do. But it didn't work that way. Instead of it being a privilege, it became a responsibility. He would go look up kids that had graduated from college at 16, and throw it in my face. So I graduated after one more semester of high school, thusly in 2 1/2 years. It wouldn't have taken me that long, except for the fact that I didn't know I could do it my freshman year. I was taking care of my brother and sister too. My brother was a newborn, and Biskie was in 1st through 3rd grade during this time. I graduated, got a job at Old Navy, and went to the community college. I was only taking 12 hours, so that I could work and be off in time to pick up Biskie from school and take her home. Or I would close so that I could watch the kids in the morning. I felt like a single mother. It was rather comedic. But I did really well that semester. I had a 3.75, and was going to transfer to Tech in the fall. I was given a managerial position, and was working 40 hours a week. A manager at 16...amazing.
So then I came to Tech. All on my own. I turned 17 a few weeks into school. I met the Sig Ep's, and started dating Justin. The girls next door were introduced to the guys through me. When Justin and I broke up, which was cataclysmic anyway, he started hanging out with the girls in my hall. He would bitch when I went down the hall to take a shower because, "I knew it would make him want me." And that's of course the ONLY reason I would take a shower. He would come in and bitch and push me around because I shouldn't be dating. So in an effort to prove to him that I could do whatever the hell I wanted to, I went out and got drunk everynight, and had a lot of sex. Stef was with me that first semester, and we whored it up.
The next semester, I realized that it wasn't who I wanted to be. So I picked a nice secure guy to pursue, and didn't go out as much. Stef had settled down with Shaun, and they were pretty happy. I would hang out with them, and it would be the three of us, wherever we would go. Needless to say, I felt like the third wheel. I would try to stay in my room, but the girls in my hall hated me because I wasn't christian enough for them, and warped their perfect little world. I got really involved in drama, and spent most of my time with lots of gay men.
I didn't do well either semester, and I had an almost stalker level obsession with Jason Wilds. It's funny how you can do that for attention. He paid attention to me, I wanted more. Doesn't work that way.
So the summer. I went home, worked my ass off. Had a 4.0, got over Jason, made money, and took care of things. Tried to get along with the fam, but it just didn't work. Spent most of my time either in my room, at work, at school, or online. Dad hit me around some more, and finally it was time to come back. So here I am, falling into the trap of needing attention again. As much as I bitch about attention whores, I'm one of them myself. I'm happy with me. I like myself, but I have insecurities about having other people like me. It's easy to blame on my dad, because it honestly wasn't anything I did that made him not like me. So I feel like I have to do something to make other people like me to make up for it. That's just foolish, and I see that, but it's really easy to do. I think Dad was wrong in not being proud of me, and I think that I am something to be proud of. If other people can't see that, then it's their problem. They can fuck off.
It's strange though, because I can get along with most people. I don't always agree with them. I don't always like them, but if I have to be around them, then it's better not to cause issues. My thing is, they can know how I feel about something, and they can disagree if they want, I don't care. But I'm not going to change to their ideals, and I don't want them pushed on me. I try to be openminded, to the point of recognizing that others have their own perspectives...WRONG though they may be. Ok, so I'm kidding there. I want to understand why other people believe what they do, and I'm not going to dislike them or discount them because of whatever that may be, but I'm not going to change my opinions unless I am missing some truth....
Ok, I'm mentally and emotionally spent. I'm going to go run, and then take a shower.
PEACE OUT.
I HATE ROACHES!
Friday, October 11, 2002
03:12 p.m.
So this weekend has been nice and uneventful as of yet. Mostly. I think the weekend sort of started Thursday night for most people. It was Chris' birthday, and he had a party. LOL, hear everyone was pretty drunk. Sounded like a good time.
I watched Harry Potter with Jer and Brent. I went over to check on Jer because I think he has some form of Egyptian death plague now. I made him some soup, and I had some too! Yay for keeping food down! I fell asleep about halfway through Harry Potter. I hadn't slept much the night before, and it caught up with me. So I woke up on Jer's couch the next morning at 8:30, brushed my teeth, and went to take my Econ test. Rappl was annoying. Nothing new. I went back and took a shower and stuff, then went to the lounge. Matthew was being snarky, I thought. Then accounting...oh the fun!
Fell asleep for about 15 minutes in there. And when I say asleep, I mean asleep! I was dreaming. I can't remember what it was about, but it contained some people that I'd rather not dream about.
I woke up as the 11:45 bell went off, giving me about 5 minutes to put my shit together, and try to convince my face not to have marks on it from my notes. Guy walked over and asked me if I slept well. Then he asked my name. Yeah, normal, right? So he later emailed me and asked me out. Haven't responded yet...probably will be a negative there. One because I'm not interested in dating right now, and two because he can't spell. yeah, I know...weird of me.
So I started cleaning my room last night. Got a lot of laundry done, and washed dishes. Nicci came over and we went to Quizno's for dinner. We stopped in to talk to Johnny, and hung out with him for a few hours. It was nice just to sit around and laugh about stuff.
Johnny: Yeah, guys sometimes like to put their hand on the wall and lean on it.
Jen: Right. Sometimes it's good to lean forward, and sometimes it's nice just to sit back!
I came in and went to bed around one. I woke up around 8 this morning with a severe migraine. I got up, threw up, and went back to bed. I woke up again at 11 and repeated process. Then woke up at 2 to the fire alarm going off. Fucking alarm.
So now here I am, finishing up my cleaning, reading Speaker, and trying not to be absolutely revolted at this roach the size of three of my toes combined! So he's on his back, which is nice for me. I just sprayed the room again. Must get out of dorms!!!
And now I'm going to go for a run, and then go shower.
PEACE OUT.
"...and not manly things like pizza, or a giant fucking sandwich, but a cake. i just baked and ate a motherfucking goddamned cake. icing and every-fuck-thing."
Mmmm....workouts
Wednesday, October 9, 2002
11:28 a.m.
Just got back from working out. 2 frickin' hours! CRAZY! But...n, n, no, I'm a fucking squirrel!
Ok, so I didn't really have anything to say. I just wanted to archive.
<--Jen out
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